i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
