the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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