well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
