Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
