today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
