Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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