Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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