omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
