Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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