haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
