My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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