yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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