You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
