At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
