Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
