i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
