between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
