Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
