Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I will die if light touches me.
well you can't waste a boner
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
