well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize