dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
