remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
