I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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