Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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