so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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