I've blown a few things in my day
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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