Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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