Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
