At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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