At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
