i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
