Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
