I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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