my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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