There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
