onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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