She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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