My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
