The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
