I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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