I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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