pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
