i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
