dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Never joke about your clitoris.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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