Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize