so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
