You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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