i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's always time for handjobs
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
