Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
