I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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