All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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