my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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