"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
