I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
