umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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