I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
