She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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