i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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