There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They have beer where we have blood.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
