Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
