You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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