I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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